An Invitation

The letter arrived today.

Four simple words. Who would have thought they'd carry such import in my fate?

I had been expecting that letter for over a month. Day after day I scanned the pile of mail eagerly, searching for my name emblazoned on an official-looking envelope. Nothing. Why did I seek this particular missive, you ask? It was only to seal my future; this next year, and perhaps many years after that.

Having graduated high school, I did what the average American Joe Blow does: dreamed of going to college. As I finished up three years of Bible school, I applied to three colleges. I chose the one furthest away, where the atmosphere is clear, truth is pursued, and the Constitution is fanatically studied. Since then, I have plotted and dreamed my heart into a balloon. I wasn't sure I would get in (their academic standard, though not Ivy League, is still rather choosy), so I prayed earnestly that if God DIDN'T want me to go there then I WOULDN'T get accepted. I was thrilled when they let me in.

There was just one problem: money.

Without going into details, we're very rich, but according to American standards we're also poor. Also, I have a personal conviction about not going into debt. God's Word clearly states that as believers we are to "owe no man anything," and since I know that God is Jehovah Jireh, my God who provides all our needs, we decided that if He didn't provide the money to go to college then He didn't want me to go. Considering the fact that He got all four of my older siblings through college debt-free, I know He's up to the job.

So, much to the surprise of my admissions counselor, I rejected all of the loans offered to me and applied for four scholarships. And I waited. Two of the smaller ones came through, and one didn't. Still, there was a fourth, the one that had successfully thrust most of my siblings through college before me. Could God use this scholarship to send me on my happily ever after in the Constitution Loving Land?

I waited. I surrendered my dreams. I waited. I trusted for God's best. I waited. And, because I hadn't done it enough, I waited some more.

The letter arrived today.

"I'm so nervous for you," my brother Craig told me as I fumbled with the sought-after envelope. I laughed and tore open the seal. The letter began as follows:

"Dear Ms. --------(my last name):

I am pleased to inform you that the Foundation has approved a XXX.00 grant to you . . ."

If I am to seriously plan on going to college, I need about TWENTY times that amount.

I am grateful for every bit of generosity I have experienced, but if it's going to be an amount like that then in some ways it may as well be nothing for all the difference it makes. I also found it ironic that the "little" scholarships I had earned from my tiny town amounted to over three times the amount that this formerly bulbous scholarship was.

My first reaction as I read this was to smile. I was infected with a mixture of irony and "let's see what God has in mind." I told my family and ate dinner cheerfully enough, but as the news sank in, I started shriveling on the inside. Only a good cry and a little talk with my God at His house could make me feel better. And perhaps a good journal scribbling session too.

The cry of my heart is, "Now what, Lord?"

I don't want to give up on God. I could fully believe Him for a miracle to see me through college, whether through a gift from an unexpected source (I've seen it before!) or a rip roaring job and a lot of grace to work my tail off while I throw myself into my studies. On the other hand, I don't want to be foolishly stubborn if He's trying to point me to a different path either. It's okay to believe God to heal a dying horse, but if it's good and dead and He still hasn't raised it, there's little sense in beating it.

In some ways, I've hit a wall. But like the Newsmax article I heard today by Ben Stein, "So what if our backs are against the wall? God is our wall." ("Find Order in the Chaos," Newsmax August 2012, Stein, p. 26)

Another thing Stein said was, "You cannot lose if you surrender to God and ask in humility for him to guide your life. Or, to put it another way, the strongest defensive position is in prayer and surrender. Once you have sincerely surrendered your life to God, you cannot lose."

The words to a favorite Andrew Peterson song came to me, and they instantly became my personal prayer:

"Take me to the mountain, I will follow where You lead,
There I'll lay the body of the boy [dream] You gave to me,
And even though You take him, still I ever will obey,
Maker of this mountain, please
Make another Way."

In the midst of my devastation and disappointment, a ray of hopeful excitement kindled within my deflated heart. Whatever God has in mind is always perfect. This college was one of the best dreams I could have imagined. If God doesn't want me there this year, what else can be concluded but that God has something even better in mind! And since it's hard to imagine something better than attending this college, it must be a pretty amazing plan indeed!

Maybe I'm going to use the TESOL training I received this past summer after all! I had been wondering why God told me to take that course for no apparent good reason. God works in mysterious ways. Suddenly, the sky is the limit--I almost wish the sky were a little lower though so I could narrow down the possibilities. Lucky for me, I'm a dreamer by nature and I love coming up with ideas. Figuring out what ideas are actually God's is what usually proves the challenge, and like most other humans, I hate uncertainty.

Of one thing, however, I am certain. Jesus is holding my hand, and He will never let me go.

As I got up to switch to a better lit chair in God's sanctuary, I caught sight of an envelope lying deserted in the next row. It was from a memorable meeting last fall in which the speaker gave each of us an envelope with a special message inside. It read, "You are invited . . . Watch with Me."

I am privileged to watch with God as He unfolds His purposes in my life. I am re-accepting that invitation.

You're invited to watch with us, but I'd encourage you to accept your own invitation as well. God has one for each of us, and it's better than anything we can dream up on our own.