Northern stars

The day had arrived.

A few weeks ago, I wrote about the letter. Once I broke its seal, I saw that its seal on my fate was unbreakable. My world was rocked that day, but I took solace in the One who holds tomorrow. Although I started exploring other options, my dad didn't want us to make any final decisions until a few weeks had gone by. Three days before my college bill was due, we would decide.

The day had arrived.

On that day I actually drove back from Pennsylvania by myself. I did not put on sack cloth and ashes. I had no spiritual revelations. Just peace. Peace that it would all work out.

That evening, my parents and I set a time and gathered in our living room. We prayed and we talked. Then we made our decision.

I'm not going to my dream college this year.

Although I felt that we were making the right decision, that didn't keep the disappointment from seeping in. No friend-making in the clean atmosphere of a classy college. No great sculpting of my intellect over the Constitution and truths that really matter. No playing volleyball with my cousin. No rooming with my best friend.

I felt like I was watching my "Isaac" being tied to the altar.

Death to that vision.

Problems at my job,

Wondering what to do,

I know I should be working but I'm thinking of You.

Just when I feel this crazy world is going to bring me down

That's when Your smile comes around.

I love the way You hold me

By my side You'll always be

You take each and every day

Make it special in some way

I love the way You hold me

In Your arms I'll always be

You take each and every day

Make it special in some way

I love you more than the words in my brain can express

I can't imagine even loving You less

Lord, I love the way You hold me.

(Jamie Grace, "Hold Me")

Recently I've been reading a book called Captivating by John and Stasi Eldridge. It digs deep into a woman's heart, how God treasures it, and how it can be healed and soar the way it was designed. Although I have had a wonderful upbringing with zero complaints, Eve's choice before the Fall has had its repurcussions in my own heart like any girl's. The timing of this book really couldn't be any better. Here's something I read this past week:

"You are the glorious Image Bearer of the Lord Jesus Christ--the crown of his creation. You have been assaulted. You have fallen to your own resources. Your Enemy has seized upon your wounds and your sins to pin your heart down. Now the Son of God has come to ransom you, and to heal your broken, wounded, bleeding heart, and to set you free from bondage. He came for the brokenhearted captives. That's me. That's you. He came to restore the glorious creation that you are. And then set you free . . . to be yourself.

". . . Why did God curse Eve with loneliness and heartache, an emptiness that nothing would be able to fill? Wasn't her life going to be hard enough out there in the world, banished from the Garden that was her true home, her only home, never able to return? It seems unkind. Cruel, even.

"He did it to save her. For as we all know personally, something in Eve's heart shifted at the Fall. Something sent its roots down deep into her soul--and ours--that mistrust of God's heart, that resolution to find life on our own terms. So God had to thwart her. In love, he has to block her attempts until, wounded and aching, she turns to him and him alone for her rescue.

'Therefore I will block her path with thornbushes;

I will wall her in so she cannot find her way.

She will chase after her lovers but not catch them;

she will look for them but not find them.' (Hosea 2:6-7)

"Jesus had to thwart us too--thwart our self-redemptive plans, our controlling and hiding, thwart the ways we are seeking to fill the ache within us. Otherwise, we would never fully turn to him for our rescue. Oh, we might turn to him for our 'salvation,' for a ticket to heaven when we die. We might turn to him even in the form of Christian service, regular church attendance, a moral life. But inside, our hearts remain broken and captive and far from the One who can help us.

"And so you will see the gentle, firm hand of God in a woman's life hemming her in. He'll make what once was a great job miserable, if it was in her career that she found shelter. He'll bring hardship into her marriage, even to the breaking point, if it was in marriage that she sought her salvation. Wherever it is we have sought life apart from him, he disrupts our plans, our 'way of life' which is not life at all . . ."

". . . We construct a life of safety (I will not be vulnerable there) and find some place to get a taste of being enjoyed or at least of being 'needed.' Our journey toward healing begins when we repent of those ways, lay them down, let them go. They've been a royal disaster anyway . . ."

". . . Not only does he thwart, but at the same time he calls to us . . . 'Set it down. Set it down. Turn from your ways to Me. I want to come for you."

"Therefore I am now going to allure her;

I will lead her into the desert

and speak tenderly to her."

(Hosea 2:14)

(John and Stasi Eldridge, Captivating, pp. 95-99)

It's okay if God calls you to go to college. The danger is when you unconsciously try to make your dreams of college fill the void in your heart that only God is supposed to fill. I'm afraid I was close to doing that.

But it's okay, because now I can't. Not having my happy visions to pillow my head, I'm forced to pillow my head on the shoulder of the One who is holding me.

"Every long lost dream

Led me to where You are

Others who broke my heart

They were like Northern stars

Pointing me on my way

Into Your loving arms

This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road

That led me straight to You."

(Nitty Gritty Dirt Band/Rascal Flatts, "Bless the Broken Road")

And when I'm there, I'm truly Home.

"And I got my heart set on what happens next
I got my eyes wide it's not over yet
We are miracles and we're not alone

This is home
Now I'm finally where I belong
Where I Belong
Yeah, this is home
I've been searching for a place of my own
Now I've found it
Maybe this is home
This is home

And now after all my searching
After all my questions
I'm gonna call it home
I've got a brand new mindset
I can finally see the sunset
I'm gonna call it home."

(Switchfoot, "This is Home")

When all is said and done, I'm very excited. I'm still uncertain what God has in mind for me exactly, but the silver linings to what seemed like a thunderhead are endless. I get to go to my friend's wedding. I get to be here when Bible school starts. I'm going to be at the Fall Convention. I might get to travel.

Best of all, I get to follow the Lamb whithersoever He goest.

And I get to share this journey of trust with you. It's true that I nearly allowed blogging to creep into that aching void. Expression gives me such a sense of fulfillment that I almost forgot Who is my fulfillment. However, one comment about my writing turned out to be a Northern star. I hate the idea of being a disappointment to anybody. However, as I had a little talk with Jesus He assured me that I wasn't a disappointment to Him.

And when I realized that His opinion was the only one that really mattered, I was at peace. Knowing who you are in Him can free you more than you think possible.

If I live to be a hundred
And never see the seven wonders
That'll be all right
If I don't make it to the big leagues
If I never win a Grammy
I'm gonna be just fine
'Cause I know exactly who I am

So when I make big mistake
When I fall flat on my face
I know I'll be all right
Should my tender heart be broken
I will cry those teardrops knowin'
I will be just fine
'Cause nothin' changes who I am

(Jessica Andrews, "Who I Am")

I'm thankful that I know who I am in Christ and that everything is going to be just fine.

Even if it took a few Northern stars to see it.

You are not alone
I will always be with you
Even to the end

You don't have to work so hard
You can rest easy
You don't have to prove yourself
You're already mine
You don't have to hide your heart
I already love you
I hold it in mine
So you can rest easy

Do not be afraid
Nothing, nothing in the world
Can come between us now

(Andrew Peterson, "Rest Easy")