The only problem with having now told everyone that I tried out for All-state is that now everyone is going to kindly be interested whether or not I made it. I knew that might be a problem but I decided that I didn't really care, because after all, this was a big thing on my mind, so why not let people know what I've been dealing with? When I finally had that silly audition behind me, I was very uncertain how I did. For one thing, I tend to be quite self-critical. Part of me thought I did all right for some of it, but I was pretty sure I did a terrible job at sight reading that ridiculous (and rather high) piece. So I settled down to wait for the results, telling myself fiercely that I should pretend that I hadn't made it so I would be pleasantly surprised if I did. This worked in a fashion, but I couldn't quite quench that one small hope.
I won't leave you in suspense any longer.
I never got to be pleasantly surprised. The list came out right before Thanksgiving, and my name wasn't on it. I didn't make it into the All-State Orchestra. Eighty violinists tried out, and only thirty-six made it. Okay, now you all can know what a loser I am and can surmise about my awful violin skills.
Though I felt (and still feel) a little deflated, I wasn't altogether disappointed. For one thing, it's just less hard music that I have to work on. And even though I'd been interested in doing All-State, it was really my teacher's idea, and I didn't have much choice in the matter. And since I think I tried my best, there really isn't anything else I should worry about. After all, once the audition was over, it was God's call, not mine.
(I figured that I better post this so people wouldn't have to feel bad when they asked me if I made it and I told them NO. But don't feel too bad for me--picture me saying most of this post in a fairly cheerful voice, which is probably how I would have responded if you had asked me in person. This is just for those of you who would feel awkward because you don't know how to sound sympathetic.:)
3 comments:
The only thing that I feel sad about you not making AllState is that you don't get that euphoric thrill of accomplishing something. However, look what you've got: more time, a ton less stress, lots more experience, and lots of friends and family who don't care how you play the violin and love you!! by the way, you are an amazing violinist...
Mega-ditto's-- Kudos for having the courage to audition!
Kayla Kayla Kayla. I thought it at the Feast (or was it Thanksgiving service? Probably both...), but never got around to saying anything. So this seems to be the opportune moment.
I was VERY impressed by your violin playing! All of a sudden, there you were, playing confidently and beautifully! And what amazed me the most was the fact that you kept hitting those notes spot on. I've heard a fair amount of violin playing in my day, and getting the notes accurately seems to be a battle. I even had a lesson from Amy once, and discovered first hand how hard it is! But YOU! My word.
I know it's tempting to feel defeated and like you weren't good enough (I know, because I wasn't accepted at Brown), but that's not the whole story. Those of us who have heard you on a regular basis know what talent you have, and how your skill is growing and growing. And speaking from experience I know how arbitrary judging can be sometimes! It's very possible that you are just as good as some people who made it in.
And of course, the most consoling thing of all is, as Shakespeare put it in Hamlet, "There's a special providence in the fall of a sparrow," implying that that Providence is managing your life with even more care!
OKAY! LONGEST COMMENT EVER! Basically, it can all be summed up with that lovely word "support!" Also: "you're wicked good at playing the violin." :)
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