"But what if I don't believe in God? It's like they've sat me in front of a mannequin and said, Fall in love with him. You can't will feeling.
"What Jack says issues from some still, true place that could not be extinguished by all the schizophrenia his genetic code could muster. It sounds something like this:
"Get on your knees and find some quiet space inside yourself, a little sunshine right about here. Jack holds his hands in a ball shape about midchest, saying, Let go. Surrender, Dorothy, the witch wrote in the sky. Surrender, Mary.
"I want to surrender but have no idea what that means.
"He goes on with a level gaze and a steady tone: Yield up what scares you. Yield up what makes you want to scream and cry. Enter into that quiet. It's a cathedral. It's an empty football stadium with all the lights on. And pray to be an instrument of peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is conflict, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair hope...
"What if I get no answer there?
"If God hasn't spoken, do nothing. Fulfill the contract you entered into at the box factory, amen. Make the containers you promised to tape and staple. Go quietly and shine. Wait. Those not impelled to act must remain in the cathedral." -Mary Karr, Lit
Anyone who has been here before knows that I have been silent for over three years. That's a long time.
So where was I?
First, over three years ago, I underwent some of the most painful, intense spiritual growth I have ever experienced. I spent lots of time in the cathedral just to cope with my circumstances. And many words came to me as I listened to Jesus, words I knew I was meant to share.
My blog was a natural choice, but at the time, I didn't think my blog would reach as many people as social media. Surely it was better to reach people already browsing Facebook who know me than a handful of die-hard friends and disinterested strangers (no offense).
So for the next year or so, I wrote there. Quite a bit, actually. Perhaps I will even share some of those writings here.
Second, I started a wonderful journey with the man who won my heart and became my husband. The past three years have largely been filled with going from friendship to courtship to engagement to marriage to partnership in ministry, all the while growing and getting to know each other more deeply. Perhaps I'll share more of our story later.
Third, besides getting married, my husband and I uprooted from our home of New England and relocated far from family to the very different state of Florida. We've had a lot of adjustments, a lot of joys, and a lot of discouragement with all of those changes.
And finally, I haven't been writing much at all for the past two years. My life has been consumed with many actions until fairly recently.
- Wedding preparation
- Sifting, downsizing, and moving for the first time in my life
- Finding my niche in a new church as an assistant pastor's wife
- Figuring out how to be a wife
- Writing endless thank you notes to the hundreds of generous people who came to our wedding
- Joining others in welcoming internationals and refugees to our country through multiple outlets
- Spearheading social media for our church organization
- Leading a Girl's retreat for teenagers
- Making friends in a new area
- Hosting people in our home
- Taking strides in my health (which took a bad turn late 2016) through more exercise, sleep, and nutrition
The list could go on! But ultimately, I didn't write because no words had been given to me, and I was happy the way I was, busy but not too busy.
But earlier this year, after a bout with some depression and loneliness, my Savior tugged my heart back to the inner cathedral with Him. We must do the practical work He sets before us until He calls us to something else, but we must also never forget our highest calling: to know Christ.
Relationships take investment and time, and I have been re-learning how to make that time with Jesus more of a priority again. I don't mean just reading the Bible, but talking and listening, really listening to what the Holy Spirit has to say.
Writing helps me pray and hear, and that's why I may now start including snippets of my prayers here after I have written and prayed them. These are not an attempt to make myself look more holy, but a desire to share a glimpse of my heart and what God can do for you.
Perhaps more on this sort of prayer later as well, though I make no promises.
And that, my friends, is where I have been for over three years: searching, learning, growing, writing elsewhere, experiencing major life changes, quietly making the containers I promised, and learning to come into the cathedral and surrender again.
And, very slowly, like a spring slowly filling up a lake, the words are starting to come again.
Perhaps more on that later.
And why am I bringing these words to the blog instead of social media this time?
I am tired of a platform that is designed to addict you, generate toxic emotions and harsh debates that you would never say in person, and get you concerned about people's opinions. Even an emotionally healthy person can be taken in by notifications and the allure of counting "likes," but someone with an old addiction of performance and fear of people's opinions can become proud or crippled by it.
I am guilty of both.
Which is why I come here this time. The road by my blog might be less worn and traveled, but at least if you are here, you hopefully want to be.
I don't crave your comments and approval so much here (though I welcome sharing of experiences!), and I hope this space is like coming to a safe, cozy den to sip tea, share what God is doing in our lives, and encourage each other to love and good works.
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Or if you're somewhere like Florida, we'll sip sweet tea under a ceiling fan and listen to the ice cubes clank in the glass as we swap stories of God's goodness.
Because I want to remind myself and you that He's got both of us covered.
And there's always more Love and Life to be had.
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